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My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like, "It wasn't that hard." That awkward moment when you go to a new school and don't get a vampire boyfriend. 2 things you can learn in school: Texting without looking and teamwork on tests. C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life S.C.H.O.O.L. = Sucks Children's Happiness Out Of Life Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together? OMg! Teacher: "Why are you talking during my lesson?" Student: "Why are you teaching during my conversation?" Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis." Teacher: How can we keep the school clean? Student: By staying at home. Teacher: What is irony? Student: "Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe." (1) Say "Eye" (2) Spell the word "Map" (3) Say "Ness". SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4. HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8. EXAM: Matthew has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the sun's mass. Catholic School A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!" Library A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?" "I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions." "What?" "Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do." "Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?" Grammar walks into a Bar Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave. A Question mark walks into a bar? Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink. The bar was walked into by the passive voice. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. A synoynm ambles into a pub. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink. A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything. A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty. Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor. A group of homophones wok inn two a bar. Human Body The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That’s disgusting, I won’t even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That’s easy," says Johnny. "It’s the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn’t do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you’re in for a BIG disappointment." Applying For A Job There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant. George W Bush George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..." Bathroom Boy: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where's the p? Boy: "Half way down my leg." Little Boy Son: "My math teacher is crazy". Mother: "Why?" Son: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2." Wife or Girlfriend A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..." Girlfriend "What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?" "She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me." "I don't believe that she cheated on you!" "Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..." Psychic Hotline A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "in her biology class." Prostitute Teacher: Describe hydrogen Student: It is a prostitute element Teacher: Who taught you that? Student: You said it does not belong to a particular group and it reacts with almost all the elements in the periodic table. Water Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O. Cat Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!" Lab At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon." School Paper John wrote an article in the school paper about how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed over 100,000 people world wide, usually through inhalation. The story also went on that even if you wash your food you can never get this chemical off. No matter what you do you will be exposed to this very dangerous chemical every day of your life until you die. The story finished by claiming that there needs to be a government research group founded to find a solution. yada yada yada Anyway, the local newspaper reporter read this story in his daughters school paper and decided to do a follow up. If you haven't figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is the correct name for H2O or water. The deaths that he was quoting were from drownings. Anyhow, this reporter ran the article in a paper and started a local push for a government study before they realized what the story was about.